Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I party with great urgency now.
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