It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
