I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
