May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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