I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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