Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
