Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
