be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
