i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You ruined the universe
Randomize
