Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
