Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
