Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
