My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
