the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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