u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
