I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
