I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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