The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
