Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize