i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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