Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
