pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
That's when you crack a 10am beer
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
