I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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