Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
