sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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