he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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