One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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