Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
