last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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