i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
