need another drink. this is the easiest way
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
