stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
