you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
