I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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