Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
