I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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