i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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