New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I want to be your penis for a week.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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