We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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