Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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