You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
