some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
