Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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