Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize