My nipple is on Facebook.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
