Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
