Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Every concussion has its silver lining
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
