Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
