Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
