Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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