i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
