The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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