I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
