I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
