my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
