i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
