we have pet lesbian snakes
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my being single is dangerous.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize