I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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