That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
