I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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